IF.....

You're looking for a YPF post, sorry, not here today or probably anytime soon again. I'm thinking maybe everyone's sick of it from me by now anyways and frankly...I'm just don't feel like it.

I think everything for me has come to a full boil/finally hit me....whatever right now. My head is all over the place!! I'm frustrated, scared, pissed off, jealous, and a bit happy and thankful right now.

Yes, thankful that my cancer isn't worse or life threatening like so many of my family and friends and their family are currently going through. My thoughts are with you all. I am a very lucky person in that aspect and if you know me at all by now, I do try to always look on the bright side of stuff.

Frustrated as I have no one really to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden my daughter, cripes, she's only 14, starting high school is enough on her plate and she misses her brother--but I doubt very highly she'd ever admit it. Hubby...well...he really tries, but it brings up his own cancer issues and with school (Master's degree) and that place of hell he works at, he's just fried. My inlaws..just not happening. I tend to keep things inside which probably isn't a good idea. I have a great knitting friend here locally too, but she needs a break sometimes.

So sorry friends, read on if you want, if not don't blame you.










Pissed off as I had to pre-pay for this surgery, haven't I paid them enough already! I only gave them 1/2 of what they wanted, (which they were fine with) they can get the rest from damn monthly payments. PO'd as this would have been done last month if that hadn't lost that damn blood vial. Also PO'd as this is considered elective, elective my ass! Like I want to play russian roulette with my life and not try to prevent it from recurring.

I have really good health insurance but you'd never know that right now. Plus more bills/tests to follow.

Jealous, yeah, I wish I was rich and could afford new ones and not worry about the cost of the surgery or leave from work. Then at least cancer wouldn't happen in that area again and I could get a tummy tuck at the same time! But then again, it may never come back either if they stay...hmmm

Scared, cause, well there is no guarantee the treatment I'm a great candidate for will even happen. After surgery next week, there is a special catheter in place that will deliver the radiation treatment. However, I have to have a CT scan to ensure its position is in the most correct spot. If not and it can't be readjusted..well then I'm looking at 6-8 weeks of more intensive treatment. I'm trying to be positive, I really am. I guess the closer to the DOS the more I worry. I may work in the medical field all around this stuff everyday, (which mostly is ok, but sometimes it's really hard) but I'm still a weeny too! I only have to be brave for my patients...when I'm the patient, I'm a very good patient, but still scared.

Happy, cause, well I won't be able to do much for the next week anyway, so I can knit and read =) Woot! Got some longsuffering WIP's that need my personal attention. Happy cause I'll be working on Zee room! What's Zee room...well Z's room to veg, knit, craft, sew, etc. I've given myself until the 2nd to have it finished. Boy, living here 18 yrs has given us a lot of crap to go through... Pics when I finish!

Well, if you read this far, thanks for that, this was very cathartic for me. My head hurts and I'm going to take a nap.

ETA: Whew, that nap helped a lot. Still a bit bleh, but I know better things are ahead! Thanks everyone for your caring and support. It is so just what I needed but was ....well...hated to ask for again.