Friday, August 29, 2008

IF.....

You're looking for a YPF post, sorry, not here today or probably anytime soon again. I'm thinking maybe everyone's sick of it from me by now anyways and frankly...I'm just don't feel like it.

I think everything for me has come to a full boil/finally hit me....whatever right now. My head is all over the place!! I'm frustrated, scared, pissed off, jealous, and a bit happy and thankful right now.

Yes, thankful that my cancer isn't worse or life threatening like so many of my family and friends and their family are currently going through. My thoughts are with you all. I am a very lucky person in that aspect and if you know me at all by now, I do try to always look on the bright side of stuff.

Frustrated as I have no one really to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden my daughter, cripes, she's only 14, starting high school is enough on her plate and she misses her brother--but I doubt very highly she'd ever admit it. Hubby...well...he really tries, but it brings up his own cancer issues and with school (Master's degree) and that place of hell he works at, he's just fried. My inlaws..just not happening. I tend to keep things inside which probably isn't a good idea. I have a great knitting friend here locally too, but she needs a break sometimes.

So sorry friends, read on if you want, if not don't blame you.










Pissed off as I had to pre-pay for this surgery, haven't I paid them enough already! I only gave them 1/2 of what they wanted, (which they were fine with) they can get the rest from damn monthly payments. PO'd as this would have been done last month if that hadn't lost that damn blood vial. Also PO'd as this is considered elective, elective my ass! Like I want to play russian roulette with my life and not try to prevent it from recurring.

I have really good health insurance but you'd never know that right now. Plus more bills/tests to follow.

Jealous, yeah, I wish I was rich and could afford new ones and not worry about the cost of the surgery or leave from work. Then at least cancer wouldn't happen in that area again and I could get a tummy tuck at the same time! But then again, it may never come back either if they stay...hmmm

Scared, cause, well there is no guarantee the treatment I'm a great candidate for will even happen. After surgery next week, there is a special catheter in place that will deliver the radiation treatment. However, I have to have a CT scan to ensure its position is in the most correct spot. If not and it can't be readjusted..well then I'm looking at 6-8 weeks of more intensive treatment. I'm trying to be positive, I really am. I guess the closer to the DOS the more I worry. I may work in the medical field all around this stuff everyday, (which mostly is ok, but sometimes it's really hard) but I'm still a weeny too! I only have to be brave for my patients...when I'm the patient, I'm a very good patient, but still scared.

Happy, cause, well I won't be able to do much for the next week anyway, so I can knit and read =) Woot! Got some longsuffering WIP's that need my personal attention. Happy cause I'll be working on Zee room! What's Zee room...well Z's room to veg, knit, craft, sew, etc. I've given myself until the 2nd to have it finished. Boy, living here 18 yrs has given us a lot of crap to go through... Pics when I finish!

Well, if you read this far, thanks for that, this was very cathartic for me. My head hurts and I'm going to take a nap.

ETA: Whew, that nap helped a lot. Still a bit bleh, but I know better things are ahead! Thanks everyone for your caring and support. It is so just what I needed but was ....well...hated to ask for again.

31 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh honey. My heart is going out to you right now. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm a good listener.

Shannon said...

*super hugs* I'm so sorry you feel so alone. What you are going through IS a huge deal, and I'm sure your family understands (maybe not the inlaws). I'm sending every good vibe I have your way, and your surgery will go off with flying colors. Resend me your address, I can't find it and I need to send you happy things in the mail.

gilraen said...

{{{Hugs}}} You get it off your chest!!!

I am thankful everyday that we have the NHS even though it sometimes isn't wonderful......

Good luck, I will be crossing all my fingers/toes etc for you and praying for you too. :)

Kim U said...

Many hugs and lots of support.

Batty said...

I'm thinking of you and sending all my best wishes.

Bezzie said...

Ha ha, don't be upset for bitching. Sometimes it's gotta boil over or you'll explode. And well then who knows what kind of coverage you have to cover post-explosion Z! ;-)

Julie said...

Oh Zonda, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could be there to give you support in person, but please know that I'm there with you in spirit. I'm sending good thoughts your way every day. I'm sure I speak for all your readers/friends when I say; we're here for you. Vent away!

{{{{hugs}}}}

p.s. Insurance companies suck!

Disco said...

Yeah, this medical insurance thing really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I much preferred the good old NHS. They may take their sweet time, but at least they didn't bankrupt you!!!

I think your rant is justified and what better place to do it than your very own blog.

A big hug and a nice cup of strong sweet (hot) tea. Dx

weezalana said...

Just 'cause it could be worse doesn't mean it doesn't suck. So you feel free to talk, vent, unload, whatever you want to us, whenever you need to. We're always here to listen and support you! (((HUGS)))

Marisol said...

Man this is really tough! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this terrible ordeal. I will pray for you Z that you are healed and come out of this with flying colors!

Beverly said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like poo. The Zee room sounds like a nice thing to look forward too. Hang in there. And (((hugs a million))).

kasiaiscarly said...

putting lots of good thoughts in the universe for you.

Shannon said...

You have every right to have each of those feelings; so you should never feel bad or apoligized for it. I do wish with all my heart that you didn't have to go through any of this. If you every need someone to go to lunch with so you can talk or sit through an appointment with you, please call me. I'd be pleased to be there in any way I can.

Carol said...

What else are blogs for, if not to rant, get the weight of the world off your shoulders and get HUGS????? You rant and groan as much as you want. We're here for ya!

And we will be waiting for pics of Zee's room.::insert evil laugh here::

IrishgirlieKnits said...

Big hugs honey!! You are so right...this sucks! And yes, its good to keep your chin up and look on the bright side, but you also need to be able to let it out and cry, scream, blog, etc! Please know we are all here for you! Keeping you in my prayers!!

peri said...

Rant away that's what blogs are for and you are totally justified -in fact I admire your restraint.

I would be totally bricking it in your shoes - a gadzillion {{{{hugs}}}.

You are yours are in my thoughts.
xx

Stilaholic Nartian knits said...

What else is your blog for if you're not allowed to vent?

A parent of Monkey1's friend who's in the medical field had just talked to me about how being a cancer patient instead of being on the usual care giver end is such a totally different ball game.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs & good vibes!

Sonya said...

You can always vent to your bloggy-friends! I'm sorry you're facing all this and feeling kinda alone too. I'm sending good vibes. I hope everything goes smoothly. I can't wait to see pics of the Zee room.

gilraen said...

As a little cheer you up I have sent you this:

Don't feel compelled to do anything other than enjoy it :) It is well deserved :)

http://gilraensknits.blogspot.com/2008/08/awards-time.html

kemtee said...

(hugs)

You can't keep it all cooped up. That's why we're here. And we need our Zonda.

vickyd said...

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Go ahead and vent anytime you want...with everything that is going on, I would be amazed if you didn't! Just know, we are all here for you sending lots of healing vibes...

Take care of yourself!

Pamela said...

You vent anytime you darn well please. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are a very strong person, you will get through this.

DPUTiger said...

Of course we're here to listen to you vent. I had a seriously crappy day and felt light years better after ranting to the Hubster for 10 minutes. You have to have someone somewhere to dump on in order to keep your sanity. :) Hope today is better than yesterday!

turtlegirl76 said...

I wish I wasn't so far behind on my blogs! I just saw this. ((HUGS)) And you know I'm only a phone call away!

Lisa said...

Hi--
I'm as close as a phone call too.

I consider you a friend, and hope I can be one to you as well.

BammerKT said...

I don't know if this will help or not, but my sister had all the same feelings while she was going through her first surgery and treatment. You aren't alone even though i sure bet it feels that way. Any cancer sufferers support groups in your area?

I can only speak for myself but if you can let it all out anywhere, it should be on your own blog!

Kay aka dkswife said...

((big hugs for you))

You are still in my prayers.
Kay

Robin said...

Definitely you should lean on your online friends for the support we can try to provide! I am sorry that you have to get through this, and it's not surprising that you would want to vent about it. I hope that everything goes as smoothly as it can for you and that you can look upon this later as something you faced, conquered and kicked the ass of!

Karen said...

Oh sweetie!!!! I'm sorry it took me so long to get to your blog and see this post. :( But I'm glad there were many many other friends there to give you some support when you needed it. I'll be thinking of you all day tomorrow - and checking in to see how you are. Please please send a venting e-mail to me any time you need to. Heck, I'll even give you my phone number if you want! Big hugs to you!!!!

tiennie said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this and deal with the suckiness of insurance at the same time. Vent all you want here - we're with you!

KnitPastis said...

I wished I had been able to catch up more often. My dear,you have cancer? You know I know your kind of feelings going on, the scared, bills, doctor problems.When it rains it pours, doesn't it seem that way? Stay strong Z. xoxo